For The Freshest

Self-manipulation

2010-05-03T00:46:00.005-04:00

Back in the day when the Backstreet Boys wanted it that way, when Christina Aguilera was not dirrrty (only stuck in a bottle) and I really quiero'd that Taco Bell, I would spend hours glued to the tube, jumping from big couch to little couch. I would reenact whatever I saw: X-Men, Power Rangers, Days of Our Lives, you name it. I dissected the couch eventually, and that's when I convinced myself that our couch was a pull out bed. I would spend hours clawing at the crack, gripping the couch's springs and imagining a new bouncy bed I could parachute off. The couch would of course never unfold but I just thought I wasn't strong enough to release it. Instead, I would revel at the lost and found we collected underneath the cushions. Pens, bobby pins, crumbs of our favorite snacks--three seats of junk summed up a simple life so perfectly. I suppose you can't expect anything else though from where you plant your ass.

Three-Month Recap

2009-10-14T11:41:00.004-04:00

Hello readers! Stalkers! Frenemies.

It's been a long time and we've consequently become distant Facebook friends, I know. Let's move past it and be friends again. Best. Friends. I'll give a quick recap of the past three months (aka a self-absorbed copout for a blog entry):

July 2009 was warmer times with summer dreams finally coming to fruition after a season of rain in the Northeast. I went to Chicago, wined and dined, saw sights, drank dranks, and fell asleep at a post-bar-hopping meal. We can lather, rinse, and repeat for my trip to Boston. I also began the apartment search and had an Invisalign consultation. Stay tuned for more on these hot topics. *cue commercial break*
Invisalign consultation told me what I expected and dreaded: braces for a year. But no no, wait, don't make that frowny face because it's a clear plastic tray that no one will ever notice! Unless they are looking at you within a four foot radius. Plus...there'th a thing in your mouthhhh! I opt against and learn to love the imperfections.
I realize that I grind my teeth at night. Hunger? Bad dreams? Sexual frustration? The jury is still out but I've bought a cheap mouthguard from Target and have slept with it since. It is extremely awkward to sleep with a thing in your mouth.
Yes....that's what she said.
Upgrades: Moved into new apartment. Washer/dryer, central AC/heat, garage, balcony, absent landlady--tremendous upgrades. I also have upgraded phones from this to THIS. LOVE IT.
I turn 23 and reflect on my first year out of college and on the East Coast. I've become a confrontational madman and almost ten pounds lighter. Texans need not worry though, apathy still holds a strong place in my heart for now.
Visited good ole Dallas, where nothing changes except marital status. Then spent an extended weekend in Cancun, where I avoided swine flu but contracted Montezuma's Revenge. I've been pooping guacamole for the past four days. TMI?

Too long of an entry. Definitely TMI.

The End of Days

2009-06-30T14:11:00.004-04:00

So...hi.

I've kind of fallen off the blogwagon as of late, but I'm back (only to return to obscurity). What a past few days though. Michael Jackson is dead. Not to be forgotten: Ed McMahon, Billy Mays, and Farah Fawcett, who died of anal cancer. Which is exactly what you think it is. And caused by exactly what you think.

A Voldemort of cancers, truly a "Cancer That Shall Not Be Named."

Today will be the final post in the New Job Blogumentary series. As the 30th of June concludes, so does my first month of my new job. I can honestly say that I enjoy my new job. Do I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, excited for another day at the office? Hell no, I arise late, disgruntled, and contemplative between making breakfast or gambling on a stale donut in the breakroom.

What have I accomplished in the past month? Well my new gig ties me down with more responsibility, which is "good" in one of those ways where you don't really like it while it's happening but the results speak for themselves. Kind of like running. Except I hate running.

While I have more responsibility, I have more freedom. No one babies me and I come into work at 9:45 usually, which is a dream because I love to sleep in. I've made plenty of mistakes though but more times than not, admitting your faults is the first step towards growth. Not ego inflation.

My friend-seduction of Kumar has been successful. I am adopting one of his two cats after his Craigslist ads panned no hits. He showed me both cats and I claimed the cuter one (this is a chilling representation of the power of beauty, it pays to be cute). I'm thankful that the cats are free, but more thankful for another peer. And also thankful for his shitty description of the cat that made Craigslist a dead end. Because now I anticipate the day I become father of Rumsfeld Krishnan Mukhopadyay Park, a "medium-haired normal cat." My 낭만 고양이.

*head banging*

Mega points to you if you got that reference. It means we can be friends too.

Day #17 & #18

2009-06-25T00:09:00.003-04:00

Major deadline closing today. I have one of those jobs where I have to wait on other people to send me stuff, and of course, they're late. So late that a Vice President sat down with me and called them up. It's nice to work with senior executives, they're really nice but you're kind of scared the entire time.

Despite her pulling her VP-card, I'm still waiting on a few people to gimme their stuff. Fucking Brits, waiting until the absolute last moment. So...I had the marvelous idea of staying the night in the office and sleeping on the floor, all for the sake of a 3 am call I need to make to the UK. Our 3 am is their 8 am.

"Cheerio. So...where's my shit?"

Analyse that.

Day #16

2009-06-23T00:22:00.003-04:00

It's a strange feeling when you realize the aftermath of 20+ years of church. I found myself in a bit of trouble today from some miscommunication and was totally expecting a wave of guilt thrown on me. And also to be beaten, but that's more a byproduct of my Korean household. Thankfully, my team is full of grace from unknown sources. I choose to believe that we're just good people, and that the rest of the world is weird. Perhaps this is also Christian.

We have a status meeting every Monday. With the majority of my significant memories stemming from church-something, I always feel a bit weird leaving our Monday meetings without a closing prayer. To the point where I linger in my seat, waiting for someone to bow their head and clap their hands.

"Dear God, please let all this work go away. In Your Name, Amen."

I've purposely refrained from speaking in all avenues about religion. To put it briefly, it's a messiness that continues to rock my world. I'm like a snow globe, a wonderful disaster when unsettled and all shook up.

Day #15

2009-06-19T19:17:00.003-04:00

"I'm still at the office" is going to be my opening line now.

It's 7:19 pm on a Friday and I'm still at the office. Granted, I'm leaving soon but there's so much work left for the weekend. It really does feel like I'm in school again except I can't blow anything off. Not that I ever did before, but now I'm on the line.

"Real world."

Doesn't get much real-er than this.

Future career in 10 years: simple hot dog stand vendor.

Day #14

2009-06-18T22:48:00.003-04:00

So...I completely missed the 8 am deadline which fortunately became a Friday 7 am deadline. And I'm done now. I've mentally checked out for the rest of the week (a case of the Thursdays). Nothing left to say except I feel like a brat who refuses to do anything but roll around on the floor and whine.

Public Service Announcement: Hardwood floors are not ideal for rolling around on.

Are Doritos toxic for the breath? Absolutely, it's foul and noxious. I could ward off vampires.

Is this me burning out? Negative. Not now. He holds his own.

Day #13

2009-06-18T00:43:00.002-04:00

It is now 12:54 am and I just got home from the office, with an 8 am deadline to meet and about 20 hours of work left to do. Life is an ironic bitch, I love how I started yesterday's post with, "I did absolutely no productive work today." And now I'm sitting in my home office, aka in undies in bed.

Also an ironic bitch - Mother Nature. Her and I had a falling out years ago after I walked home in the rain. I was only a 2nd grader, I'll never forgive you. And today you did this:

1:00 pm - Slightly drizzle but I grab my umbrella to walk over to the grocery store across the street. Because for some reason, I am craving Cooler Ranch Doritos. That blue bag.

1:05 pm - Halfway there, I notice my umbrella is strangely bent. I try bending it back and end up snapping the handle off. The rain continues to fall, and I'm holding the umbrella as if its some warped lollipop. I also dropped a red pen about five times during this entire ordeal and stuffed it in my pocket. More on this later.

1:10 pm - Okay it's later, the pen has leaked through my pocket. Did I mention this pen is RED?

1:15 pm - Walking back to the office with Doritos in one hand, umbrella-pop in the other.

1:27 pm - I've dumped the umbrella in the trash can, cursing it as a good-for-nothing. Gorging on chips. It's deathly quiet in the office so my chewing sounds as if I'm stomping on bubble wrap.

1:30 pm - Just remembered that I have this little assignment to do. Oh wait, it's a GIGANTIC assignment and it's due by 8 am Thursday. I think about scrambling....instead I continue to shovel Doritos in my mouth for the next thirty minutes.

2:00 pm - I close the Gmail browser. OMG I KNOW. Work work work.

7:30 pm - Meet up Kumar at theatre for man-date, to see Up in 3D. Ticket ends up being $14. This movie better be the sex.

9:30 pm - Movie is over. Was definitely NOT the sex. Perhaps a quickie. It was cute. I leave mystified as to why anyone would cry. Also, Toucan Sam apparently went from Fruit Loops to movie star.

10:00 pm - Back at the office and completely alone. I blast the music on sans headphones. It is a liberating feeling to sing along to your playlist whilst typing away. GEE GEE GEE GEE.

Midnight - Driving back home. Might I add, it's been drizzling all day. And now, the rain is starting up.

12:06 am - I'm driving through Noah's Flood, except without the ark. Mother Nature is raining down so hard that windshield wipers are at full speed and radio volume is at 60.

12:20 am - I seem to have escaped the storm so I stop to get gas. While pumping gas, the storm finds me and proceeds to wail down some more. Before I go home, I need to drop off some books at the library.

12:30 am - I run for five seconds through the rain to the book drop off. I come back looking like I took a shower but forgot how to take off my pants. Once in the car, the rain magically stops. NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING, NOT ONE BIT.

1:27 am - Right now, finishing this blog and beginning an all-nighter of work.

Day #13

2009-06-17T23:35:00.002-04:00

I'M STILL AT THE OFFICE.

Will write more shortly..

Day #12

2009-06-17T00:30:00.003-04:00

I did absolutely no productive work today. I spend the morning reading up on @Change_for_Iran's tweets, who inspires me with his bravado and commitment to grassroots journalism. It amazes me that a simple, vain social application such as Twitter can also be used to report the reality of the Iran crisis. Too tweet.

I sound like I actually care but I don't really. I guess it's like driving past a car accident: you don't care but HELL YEAH you're gonna stare.

After I tweeted myself a new one, I Binged the ish out of the WWW. For the record, I really don't mind doing nothing at work. I have plenty of digital errands to run so my day will still be productive. I scoured the Web for every cheap avenue of airfare. Bing, Travelocity, cheapair.com, it's all the same. In the end, I scored a $200 RT ticket to Chicago and asked for my first day off. Which was bizarre because I don't deserve it but I'm entitled to it. Win? Windy City here I come.

Another first for today: four hour meeting. Days like these are the necessary lulls of life.

Day #11

2009-06-16T00:11:00.002-04:00

Made plans to go on a man-date with Kumar. This is monumental because:

I am typically anti-social when it comes to my job. I have the mentality of a single parent struggling to make ends meat--let me do my work, make my money, and go back home to take care of my kids. In my case, the parental responsibilities involve Swiffering and returning library books on time. MLIA.
I haven't seen Up yet and everyone keeps on raving about it. This is the most comprehensive "everyone" there could possibly be: children (of course), yuppies (of course, they like anything mainstream), and gangsters ("fuckin almost made me cry"). By the end of the week, I will bask in its 3D glory.
There is no three but I am keeping this here because three is a nice number to end on
Oops....oh fuck.

I only held myself back by being antisocial at my last job. And seeing as how I'm trying to take my career seriously as an integrated part of my life, I should probably make a real friend or two. That and I just don't want to pay to see Up by myself. Torrents, duh.

Day #10

2009-06-12T16:51:00.005-04:00

I spontaneously took a midnight road trip to Philly last night. Got Pat's and Geno's, with the whiz. Came back into DC around 6 am. The plan was to crash at my friends' place until work. Be a zombie and then bask in the glory of the weekend.

What actually happened: Overslept until 9:50 am and ran out of the apartment like a prostitute.

It was one of those days where you leap up from bed (this time, floor) and make a frantic dash to the car, hoping that no one has noticed your absence at the office. I was stuck at a light and stripped down to my undies and changed into Zack Morris attire. Parked, patted my hair down and waltzed to my desk, possum breath in full force.

No one seemed to be the wiser. And I left early too. Makes for a good weekend, cheesesteaks at 3 am and Saturday only 11 hours later.

Day #9

2009-06-11T20:33:00.003-04:00

Aside from being carded and given the heavy up and down whenever I do anything dangerous, I never minded looking like a sixteen year old. It's kind of strange the way others react. "You look so young." Also interchangeable for "young" is "dark," but that's a different story.

My classic response was always, "yeah, I'm gonna be a DILF." But now that I'm surrounded by balding 30-somethings with leathery skin and saggy bellies, thirty is the new eighteen. It's the subconscious correlation we make between age and wisdom. You're going to trust Santa Claus for sound advice on life, more than the seasoned Britney.

Just don't shave your head.

I sat in on a meeting today with managers and a Vice President. I sit down the hall from our CEO. Whenever I meet them, I can see the look of "awww" in their faces, in response to mine. Truth be told, whenever I speak up, I always make sure that what I'm saying is on point. Because I know that looking young comes with a stereotype of antics, nonsense, and laziness at the office. And while that is a bit true, I want more. *cue Chris Crocker voice* MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE.

Ugh, did I really just make two references to Britney?

Cheers to being a DILF!

Day #8

2009-06-10T23:30:00.003-04:00

Today, I barged into a board room clamoring "MARK. MARK. ARE YOU MARK? HI I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING URGENT." (wasn't even that urgent)

The response: "....we're on a conference call right now" *points to phone*

I took both hands and covered my mouth in pure adolescent fashion, whispered an apology four times over, and backwards walked out the door. FML.

Does anyone even read fmylife.com anymore?

Not much else to share today. But remind me to blog about age and looking youthful tomorrow. And oh, Kumar went to get lunch with other people. Me = frienvy.

Day #7

2009-06-09T23:38:00.003-04:00

I wrote my "Key Performance Initiatives" today, which is just a big word for what I'm pledging to accomplish by the end of the year. It's a bit of a task though, it's as if I'm engraving the next three years of your life in stone. Sounds overdramatic but follow me:

I can barely commit to dinner plans.
My new job involves a slightly long commute on a slightly expensive tollway with slight afternoon rush hour.
Replace that last "slight" with "clusterfuck that makes me want to go off-roading." Planning on a Fall 2009 move, closer to the office.
The serious note: this, like most other things, is a stepping stone to something greater. I have yet to finalize the latter but should write my KPIs according to what I ultimately want from my personal and professional life.

*bomb dropping*

And now is when the heavy pondering begins.

Day #6

2009-06-08T23:28:00.003-04:00

Will attempt to do this in five minutes.

After the business (read: busy-ness) that was last week, today was dangerously calm. I'm not sure where my job falls on the busy-scale: anywhere from deadbeat consultant to Bear Sterns' bitch. But today was deadbeat consultant--a day of Facebook-ing, personal call-ing, 10% work-ing, and happy hour-ing.

Kumar and I gave each other the weekend update, aka "Hey good morning, how was your weekend. Well okay this is EVERYTHING I did in useless detail but we both have a case of the Mondays so let's just stall working as long as possib--shit I have a call now. Talk to you later!"

Best excerpt from sexual harassment training: "Melinda will not stop flirting with Steve, even after he asked her kindly to stop the unwelcome attention. She then proceeded to touch his crotch. Does this qualify as sexual harassment? T/F"

Day #5

2009-06-05T18:26:00.005-04:00

Day #5 - went on my first lunch date with a coworker so we can become better friends. We're both new hires and the youngest members of our team. And we're both Asian, except not really because he's Indian and we all know that's like...not the same thing, youknowhatimean? Anyways, as a part of this twisted socio-professional blogumentary, I will track the friendship of Harold and Kumar.

Making new friends is such a tennis game, all based off reciprocation. We met at the water cooler (SO CLICHE) and did our introductions, which was just fodder for us to establish "the click." As long as you are not a creeper (e.g., Dwight), you can make a friend.

He had asked me if I wanted to grab lunch, but it was Wednesday and I was swamped. Okay, I'm lying - I'm cheap and brought two sandwiches and a rice krispie for lunch. And a box of 두유, I fucking love that stuff right now. Since he took the first swing, I returned and said we should get lunch today. So Harold and Kumar went to Pei Wei.

On another vein (sorry, talking like a dumbass consultant), friendship is the most exhausting, fake thing I endure on a regular basis. Yet a prime source of joy. Sometimes I hate being human.

Day #3

2009-06-03T23:24:00.004-04:00

Another 11 hour day.

It's really not that bad.

I swear "it's really not that bad" are the classic words of acquiescence. That's kind of a big word for me, acquiescence. So in laymen's terms: I've rolled over. Down dog.

To be disgustingly cliche, my last job taught me to not bother building a career in something "I wasn't passionate about." So I jumped ship, out of the Kappa Kappa fraternity that was my last gig and onto something that I made sure was "more me." Regardless of how I feel though, it's time to let the guard down and let this new job change me. Fuck, why am I getting all serious?

Playtime ended along time ago and now I'm finally ready to start taking my professional life...."seriously."

Perhaps I could live and work in Manhattan someday. "TAXI!!!" Actually fuck that, I'm too cheap to taxi. I'll walk 19 blocks. Because it's really not that bad.

Typo of the day: entitties.

Day #2

2009-06-02T20:18:00.003-04:00

Day #2, aka the first real day of work. Got in fashionably late at 9:15 am. Current time is 8:19 pm. And I'm still at the office.

I have ADD. I can't stay focused worth shit. I either chat or eat. And I thought I wanted something different for my post-college life.

Writing this entry will probably push my 11 hour day into a 12 hour workday. But I still have to make it to the grocery store tonight...triple coupons until midnight. Holla.

Day #1

2009-06-02T00:26:00.005-04:00

I started a new job today and figured my first 30 days would make for an interesting blogumentary. Alas, nothing special to be had today except I love the people at my new office. Love is a strong word, and I use it like bar soap--in careless abundance.

Highlight of the day: Falling asleep for one second (literally) during a presentation on what I must never do in order to avoid a legal ass-whipping from the government. I, of course, was seated directly next to the presenter. At a table of four. FML.

Narcoleptically your's.

Enable encoding and enjoy.

2009-04-23T10:26:00.009-04:00

Currently eating Rice Krispies Treats like an obese motherfucker.

Seriously can't stop shoveling these into my mouth. It's better than homemade. Years ago, my mom delved into making these after being drafted by the PTA for my 3rd grade sister's class snack. She probably took Rice Krispies and marshmallows as fucked up 쌀 and 떡. I vividly remember my mom throwing the Krispies, butter, and marshmallows into a pot on high and mixing the gargantuan mess with chopsticks, as if in the end, we could plate and garnish it with some 파 to make it all better. That pot was ruined...therefore we still have it and use it religiously. The Brillo pad is life's "Undo."

Afterwards, mother seemed to take a liking to these treats and thought it'd be perfectly fine to do the same with every possible cereal we bought. Meaning Cheerio Treats. Smacks Treats. Apple Jacks Treats. Blasphemy. Somewhere along the way, she stopped and we moved into our frozen chicken nugget phase. But if someone made me a rock-hard brick of Corn Pops Treats, I'd probably take them as my new best friend. Gotta have my pops.

Another Bathroom Story

2009-03-17T16:35:00.006-04:00

It was only last week that I found myself side-by-side with an Executive Vice President of the company. We were docked at neighboring urinals in the men's room, which means there was an empty urinal separating us. The middle never gets any action. Men require space in the restroom, not to mention the unsaid rules of bathroom etiquette. Eye contact is verboten...even with yourself. I digress.

Our stark contrast was blatant. Him, old and white. I, young and not. Him, wearing a Ralph Lauren suit needing no real occasion to be adorned. And then myself, a head-to-toe hot mess dressed in a wrinkly button down that severely bordered between the clean and "this-feels-too-soft-to-be-Snuggle." His hair was parted perfectly at 3/4. And, of course, my natural bedhead desperately screamed "WASH ME." His future is probably set in stone--a generous retirmenet package to conclude decades of dutiful prostitution in corporate America. In contrast, my life is far from cement, more like slipping slowly into quicksand.

As taboo as it may be, I have no desire to lead his life. Bitch didn't even wash his hands.

Swept Away

2009-02-18T15:39:00.003-05:00

Ants would always crawl through the bathroom of my old apartment. This perplexed me because there was no food to be had in the bathroom (uh, GROSS). Actually, it's very likely that we bathed in large Petri dish. I would unleash the shower head and spray the ants to oblivion, amused at the panic that ensued. An every-ant-for-himself brought out a survival mentality, abandoning their single-file line for a mad dash to the crack in our wall. I would of course spray this crack as if it was a 3-alarm fire, trapping the troop in their doom. Eventually, a droplet would catch each ant and end their misery. And as I lather and rinsed (never repeated), I watched their procession into the drain. Their resignation was a quick and painless death, the stillness as they were swept into the drain.

"We need to quarantine you in the corner office."

2009-01-29T23:02:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning and just knew today was going to be hell. Headache, stuffy nose, fatigue, bad hair, and spoiled lunch meat sums up today's pre-9 am festivities. The minute my common cold became evident, my coworkers turned on me. I became a social outcast. The dirty looks every time I blew my nose and it sounded like starting a car with a dead battery. The growing pile of industrial napkins used as Kleenex, giving me that raw redness around my nose. The constant sniffling, like a little bitch. I'm a walking infection.

I get so overdramatic when I'm ill. I'll go to CVS and buy a shitload of medicine. I swear, I have three different bags of cough drops and about five remedies for cankersores. It's what I fill the junk drawer in my kitchen. I love how everyone has a junk drawer in the kitchen, full of lonely pills, twist-ties, those blue rubber bands from bunches of green onions, coins, and the crappy pens.

Other various thoughts running through my congested mind:

I'm losing so much face fat and I'm not doing anything. SCORE.
For nose blowing, napkins:toilet paper:Kleenex :: poor:middle-class/Korean:white.
Do I still snore if my nose is stuffed up? Is that even possible?
My voice = sexy
Home sweet home = farting, burping, and blowing my nose in peace.

Junk Mail

2009-01-20T22:52:00.004-05:00

Nestled between the credit card offers, pizza advertisements, and health insurance newsletter, laid a symbol of adulthood: a 1040EZ form. And two letters from Geico.

Getting the form intimidates me. Being sent the form flatters me. Reading the form confuses me. Owning the form worries me. Why do they call it 1040EZ? Is it really that easy? Then why are there 40 pages? What happens if I miscalculate? Do I end up paying double? Wait do I even pay anything? They already have all my money. Do I get money back? Suddenly, I'm very excited.

I'll keep this packet on my coffee table. It will serve as a makeshift trivet, coaster, insect swatter. And when the time comes, I'll unfurl the form and blow the dust off my calculator to officially conclude that I need more money. My life as an adult will begin with a solemn pledge of allegiance: a five-year plan that hoards money for, not one or even two, but a week of rainy, stormy days. And then, I'll feel like an adult.

Oy vey, I'm so Jewish

2009-01-17T23:26:00.009-05:00

I've been clipping coupons for the past few months. It's something I could have adopted only from my mother. It is currently Saturday night, and she is watching Korean dramas on VHS whilst slicing and dicing the coupon insert of the Early Sunday edition of The Dallas Morning News. Her spoils span the entire width of our coffee table, which by the way is old, scratched up, and wobbly--always in the true spirit of frugality.

My collection wanes in comparison to hers but I have compiled a hefty envelope that could save me upwards of....$10. Rather, I should say I had this envelope, until I lost it.

When applied correctly, the concept of loss is mystifying. It's almost as if the coupons have fallen into a third dimension, never to be seen again. Somewhere, my 45 cents off Bertoli Olive Oil is drifting aimlessly between universes. That $1 I could have saved on Clorox will die this coming Friday, it's expiration date.

Damn. That's tragic.

Those coupons were cut short--a fitting adieu. Saiyonara.